The Rise of Paisley

in the

Latter Part of the Twentieth Century

 

 

by

Dr Hubert Quicksort-Aviary

Visiting Lecturer, Department of Tropical Fish

University of Giggleswick, Cumbria, UK

 

 

 

Abstract

It is hard to ignore the steady rise of the Paisley within contemporary society. This paper explores the physical structure of the Paisley and its effect on those members of society who employ it as a talisman in these troubled times.

 

An Historical Perspective

The power associated with Paisley was stumbled upon by a nomadic band of Scottish weavers with, as is the way of nomadic peoples, a passing interest in fractal geometry. It has been established that what later became mistakenly known as the Mandelbrot set was, in fact, an advertising brochure for a highly decorative necktie sold to a Mr Jock Iteration at Edinburgh during the August bank holiday of 1753.

The intricately barbed Paisley pattern was the result of an oversight in the programming of an early prototype of what we now think of as the Jaquard loom. Although complex number systems had been in use by the Highland clans of Scotland for many centuries they had never been intentionally used in the weaving process. Due to the oversight an imaginary part was introduced to the pattern of a McDonald tartan. By sheer coincidence the loom developed a recursive stutter which led to the appearance of the, as yet unnamed, Paisley.

The name Paisley was given to the place where the nomads had set up their fateful Porta-Loom. It is believed to be of Middle-Gaelic origin and means, literally, "Hoots mon, Ah didnae ken Ah hid thae stren tae crush yir nutcracker".

Although infinitely powerful, the knowledge needed to implement Paisley Power has been kept a closely guarded secret, handed down from generation to generation by the Hebridean Tweed Barons. How they became custodians of the "Ken" no-one can, or is prepared, divulge, (although it is not believed to bear any relationship whatsoever to a deal involving the part-exchange of the film rights to the Skye Boat Song).

Selected outsiders have been given a watered-down version of the Ken. Superman was in the cognocenti (a small clue was given to the world in the name of his alter ego, Clark Kent) as were the Diddy Men (taught all they knew by Ken Dodd - the treacle mines were just a clever front).

A major American attempt to spill the Paisley beans was the mass distribution of Barbie dolls (with their long-suffering boyfriends, Ken). Barbie is clearly a play on the barbed appearance of the Paisle (or basic component of the Paisley pattern). This attempt failed due to the clear lack of Paisley ken shown by the manufacturers in not supplying their plastic protégés Paisley underwear.

 

Paisley Power Within Our Time

There have been occasions were Paisley power has been evident without the knowledge of those involved. This is particularly likely between Christmas and New Year due to the number of heavily Paisled presents which unknowing grandchildren have bestowed upon them by their equally ill-informed grandparents. Usually these take the form of a necktie or shirt. These garments are usually constructed from "heavy-Paisley", which has parallels with heavy water (or deuterium). This material has an exceptionally dense Paisley pattern. When Paisles are placed in heavily concentrated numbers, some Paisles are forced into a higher energy state (which can detract from the material's usually pleasing appearance).

Under certain poorly-documented conditions the energy stored in these saturated Paisles can manifest themselves physically, often imbuing the wearer with brief super-human strength (if the gift happens to be a pair of heavy-Paisley underwear the effect is usually briefer). This is caused by a Paisle dropping to its natural energy state. When this takes place a Paislton is emitted. The Paislton is a fundamental component of the fabric of the universe. The fabric of the universe is closer to Paisley than you might at first think.

By the sheer coincidence that during the most likely present-giving period it is customary to provide family and guests alike with access to unshelled nuts, and that the family or guests are sporting their newly acquired Paisley paraphernalia, it is highly probable that there will be a physical manifestation of Paisley power. This will generally result in there being more parts to the nutcracker following the visit than there were before the visit. Moreover, the nutcracker will be, almost without exception, functionally useless.

Note that, contrary to appearances, the nutcracker is as intrinsic to the modern history of Paisley as the chocolate mousse is to an appreciation of the contemporary Wilderbeest.

 

The Physics of Paisley

It is important, in order to grasp the potential of Paisley, to understand the basic physics of Paisley from first principles.

It has been argued in the past that the arrangement of coloured treads provides the beauty and mystique that is Paisley. This is not the case. The Paisley pattern transcends the medium in which it is anchored to our known physical universe. Each Paisle is infinitely complex, its borders have infinite length and its body contains an infinite spectrum of colour. These are the physical aspects of Paisley which we are able to sense. This is barely a sampler of the hidden magnitude of each individual Paisle. It is possible for a Paisle to be able to consume the known universe within its bounds. In fact, it is not entirely beyond the realms of popular wood-turning that the universe, as we know it, is a mere backwater within a small Paisle, just below the soup stain, on a pan-universal cravat.

Current studies have determined that, to date, the only non-physical invasion of our known universe has been by the occasional rogue Paislton. Although contemporary Newtonian physics has no method of measuring the Paislton itself, it is capable of measuring its effect on the Physical world. Unfortunately during the peak Paislton emission periods, those scientists with the equipment and theoretical background to measure these effects are usually visiting their grandchildren watching the younger generation fold the nutcracker.

The major advancements towards the creation of a Unified Theory of Paisley have been hinted at by the French baguette maker and part-time lecturer on the structure of the universe, Dr Valerie Dactylo of the Universite de Arnold-sûr-Bicyclette (pres de Nîmes) who has been very successful in the pursuit of the fundamental truth. His success has improved dramatically since he gave up his belief that denim was the fabric of the known universe. Originally Dr Dactylo subscribed to the 'Big Flare' school of creation. This view has now become unfashionable (as have the platforms that it was built upon). With what has become known as the Theorie Écosse or the Creation de Realité Absolutement en Paisley, the Arnold-sûr-Bicyclette team believe that they lead the world with their explanation of the Paislton as the fundamental particle of nature.

Initially particle and theoretical physicists outside France believed that this was just another obstinate French stance to be at complete variance to the rest of the world. However, secretly (for no respected researchers have, at this point, published), many of the world's leading nuclear physicists are preparing to dump quantum mechanics in favour the Paisley Theory of Absolutely Everything. Schrödinger’s deciples are dropping off like flies in order to adopt the French theory of C.R.A.P.


(C) Copyright Peter S Asquith, 1992

The inspiration for this study came from a particularly hilarious gathering at Darren and Julia Hall's at Christmas 1992. Darren had become the owner and clotheshorse of a particularly paisley patterned shirt he'd received from his grandmother. His departure into the world of haute couture didn't pass without comment. During the course of a rapidly more mirthful evening Darren managed to completely destroy the fabric of his nutcracker (don't try that at home kids). We speculated that paisley may hold hidden powers and so the study was born. The evening degenerated into uncontrollable hysterics when, a short time later, another Christmas present was wheeled out - an electric popcorn popper. The kitchen was duly filled with popcorn and the merrymakers trundled happily off in search of 1993.

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