Les Cintres Sauvages - Une Étude

 

 

 

by

Dr Hubert Quicksort-Aviary,

Visiting Lecturer, Department of Electro-mechanical and Nasal Studies,

University of Gdansk, Poland

 

 

 

Abstract

 

Since the dawn of time the human race has been drawn to the majesty of the ocean. At once beckoning and forbidding it has been a focus for countless generations. Surprisingly, apart from some recently observant individuals, humanity has overlooked a major coastal ecosystem. That of the coastal coat-hanger, cousin to the domestic coat-hanger.

What do we know of the lifestyle of this strange foreshore dweller? What is the ecosystem of the coastal coat-hanger, or that of coat-hangers in general? How does coat-hanger life parallel our own? And, perhaps more significantly, what ramifications does this present mankind approaching the new millennium?

To better understand the behaviour of the coastal coat-hanger it helps first to observe a little of the behaviour of the domestic coat-hanger, a common sight in our homes. No-one can say when the coat-hanger was domesticated, although it would be reasonable to assume that early coat-hangers, observing humans huddled around a fire, may have hankered for the warmth and security. Over time they won the trust of man*.

The domestic coat-hanger has been observed to lead a fairly closeted existence. Extremely modest in the company of other coat-hangers it has a bent for remaining clothed where possible. Preferring the crispness of freshly ironed shirts, blouses and jackets to most other garments. It is known to don the occasional scarf in chillier climes. Being inherently flashy, coat-hangers will also ornament themselves by hanging skirts, trousers and loud ties from their undersides.

Unlike the domestic coat-hanger most rare encounters with the coat-hanger in the wild find it bereft of clothing. This could possibly be due to the low likelihood of finding more than one coat-hanger at one place (coat-hangers tend to be exhibitionists in private but extremely conservative in public). Alternatively it has been posited that those coat-hangers found outside the domestic environment have fallen on hard times and either cannot afford, or do not have the connections, to be able to clothe themselves. Many coat-hangers found in this condition are washed up ex-drug users and have major hang-ups. As such they should be approached with a degree of caution.

Drug use is rife in coat-hanger circles. Often indulging in the what they consider to be a recreational drug - naphthalene. This practice is hardly discouraged by the owner of the clothes, especially in areas where moths are prevalent or where the owner’s age dictates that a blue rinse and musty moth-ball fragrance are de rigeur.

How the drug is obtained is an interesting study in itself. Research to date has revealed an unexpected underworld rife with coat-hanger vice1. There are many reported cases of coat-hangers who have been ‘straightened out’ by the drug cartels. After this ‘education’ process they are reduced to doing the mob’s bidding. Often they will be strongly linked with car-theft rings. Despite the unsavoury side-effects it seems that coat-hangers, once introduced to the drug scene, are easily hooked.

So what is the life cycle of the coat-hanger? There are no reported sightings of coat-hanger birth. This is rare event shrouded in secrecy. However, there are numerous reports of what is believed to be the intricate sex life of the coat-hanger. Often in groups of up to twenty the coat-hangers intertwine themselves in an orgy of intimacy. Generally those coat-hangers observed in these compromising positions are the lower socio-economic wire coat-hangers. It seems that their more aristocratic wooden cousins keep their dalliances private and also refrain from such group behaviour. Nearly all coat-hanger sexual activity occurs at ground level. Very rarely do they attempt intimacy at height (although it is said that it is seen as a bit of a status symbol to have joined the metre-high club)1.

It is also generally believed that coat-hangers live to a very great age. Many of the coat-hangers observed in this study have been shown to be in excess of 17,000 years old2.

Coat-hangers are known to receive all the sustenance that they require directly from their immediate environment. Due to a little-understood process, dissimilar to photosynthesis, coat-hangers are able to convert oxygen and water into sugar in the presence of darkness. This gives us another important clue as to why the domestic coat-hanger frequents the often slightly damp confines of the wardrobe and why the coastal coat-hanger is never far from a rock pool, or the mighty ocean itself. It also suggests that coat-hangers are most active at night, a possible explanation for the rarity of observing a coastal coat-hanger during daylight hours. Supporting the theory that coat-hangers require oxygen is the singular lack of observations to suggest coat-hangers can exist in environments devoid of oxygen for any length of time.

Coat-hangers having roamed the plains of North Africa and Central Europe eventually discovered the Mediterranean and the Atlantic coasts. Although not agreeable to all coat-hangers, the foreshore provided a pleasant environment for a particular set of coat-hangers. Due to the lack of foliage on many of the beaches first colonised, coat-hangers became well versed in the art of camouflage, able to blend in to the sandy or rocky background with deceptive ease. Since the seventeenth century coat-hangers have migrated to most parts of the globe.

In the rare event of being observed by humans, observations suggest that the coastal coat-hanger will generally feign death. Even when picked up and hurled violently in a stiff southerly they will usually still lie perfectly still upon landing despite being in a position to run away. This tends to encourage the human to pick up the coat-hanger and throw it again. It has been suggested that this is an indication that the coat-hanger actually enjoys the thrill of unpowered flight3, as the coat-hanger can generally out-run a human being of average fitness4.

Another interesting observation is that the domestic dog will usually chase and return to it’s owner almost any object thrown for it. This is not the case with the coastal coat-hanger. Although the dog will chase the coat-hanger during it’s flight mistaking it for a stick. The dog will generally sniff the coat-hanger and then leave it well alone. Could this be an indication that the dog senses the life-blood of the living coat-hanger?

Coastal coat-hangers are, in general, drifters. They are believed to travel great distances by sea becoming well versed in the culture of coat-hangers in most coastal parts of the world. By their close association with the wardrobes of the peoples of the world they often have a mastery** of many languages. An interesting consequence of the polyglottal coat-hanger is that coat-hangers come to know a lot of what is said in the boardrooms and bedrooms of some of the world’s great (and not-so-great) leaders.

Richard Nixon would have been undone much earlier had one of the coat-hangers on his staff been able to explain itself to a sub-editor of the Washington Post. Instead the sub-editor was besieged by what he later described as a ‘plague’ of coat-hangers for almost a year. On one occasion, in early July 1972, they even arranged themselves in a ‘RICHARD NICKSUN (sic) ORDERED DNC BUGGING’ pattern on his lawn. However, the sub-editor put this down to coincidence and the extremely high winds at the time. It was left to his staff to put the pieces together at a much later date.

It is expected that leaving a roomful of coat-hangers for an extended period of time may result in their forming the entire text of Hamlet - without a typewriter (leaving the monkeys looking slightly silly).

We have long believed that coat-hangers are silent creatures. However, new evidence points the likelihood of coat-hanger communication being at a very high frequency, and thus inaudible to the human being6. This also explains why some coat-hangers make very good car aerials - they are able ‘hear’ the distant radio station and rebroadcast the signal to the car’s stereo filling in the missing pieces. This also neatly explains why so much of what’s on the radio these days makes no sense whatsoever. This the is one of the coat-hanger’s favourite practical jokes.

An independent study5 has revealed that the likelihood of successfully observing the coastal coat-hanger can be improved by orders of magnitude by the consumption of vegetable soup and Danish pastries immediately prior to the expedition. On the face of it this seems unlikely. However, the heartiness of the soup and the inclusion of carrots improve the retinal response to the outline of the coat-hanger. This coupled with the adrenaline resulting from a stand-up fight for the Danish pastries with an elderly gentleman at the bakery, serve to present the ideal physiological makeup required for the observation of the coastal coat-hanger.

We can conclude that the life of the coastal coat-hanger is far from dull. On the face of it a shallow, sedentary existence, however, on closer inspection we see a social structure similar to our own and in many cases a more advanced form of civilisation.

We have seen that the coat-hanger has a wicked (if slightly warped) sense of humour, an sharp intelligence, is prone to many of the human vices.

It is unclear how many of these pan-oceanic creatures settle down to a life of domesticity or, indeed, how may domestic coat-hangers run away to sea. This is beyond the scope of this study.


* In the interests of political correctness it may be necessary for the author to banish himself to a dark and damp dungeon until he realises that using ‘man’ in such a flagrant manner is just not jolly well on.

** Look, the author’s doing it again, it’s just not on! Why couldn’t he have used ‘skilled in’ or ‘fluent’ or just dropped the sentence altogether? What does it take to get through to some people?

 

References

  1. Vibrant-Hugh, Brian ‘Hey Man’, Hooked and Hanging Around - Sex, Drugs and Rock ‘n’ Roll in the Wardrobe (McSage and Cranberry, San Francisco, 1967 )
  2. Department of Data Obfuscation (DODO) carbon-dating of a sample of coat-hanger DNA.
  3. Kondy-Krystal, Brian, A Wardrobeful of Ideas - Flights of Fancy at Kittyhawk, (Goat and Haddock Technical Books, Boston, 1986)
  4. Sporran, Brian, Secret Stars of Track and Field, (Sprint Fitness Press, Pittsburg, 1981)
  5. Lunch, 12 May 1996
  6. Vesuvius, Brian, Hertz Like Blazers, (Nigel, Nigel & Nigel, London, 1996)

(C) Copyright Peter S Asquith, 1996

The inspiration for this study came from a memorable May walk on St Clair Beach in Dunedin accompanied by Robyn Milne and Barney the dog.

Home